Things I learn from my kids

In the last year or so Allie has become more aware of what it means to be adopted. She's always trying to figure out how everyone is related to each other, who's her step brother and sister, and their spouses.

After yet another conversation explaining that Daddy (Randy) is both her and Sarah's father, but Kaitlyn's grandpa, Allie pops up with, "I have 3 daddys."

I'm quite sure that another conversation along with illustrations of the family tree is around the corner. But being Allie she surprises me with,
"I have Daddy - Randy;
I have my China-Daddy; and
I have God my Father, who is my daddy."

Once again she surprised with her deep and profound understanding of God.

Sacred Time with my Daughter

The guys were at an all day basketball tournament and my 8-year old daughter Allie and I were having lunch at China House. (Allie was 20 months old when we adopted her from China)

In the midst of our conversation Allie said, "You are my real mom, but not my birth mom." I nodded and affirmed her statement, "Yes, you are correct." Then I asked, "Do you ever think about your birth mom?"

Allie replied, "Yes, but she is probably old, like 100 years old. Or maybe she's dead."

I listened then said, "I doubt she's dead. I think she might be young...young like your sister Sarah who is 30 years old."

Allie asked, "Could I meet her? [her birth mom]

I said, "No, because we don't know her name."

Allie said, "Well I could write her a letter and send it to her."

I paused, "Writing a letter is a good idea, but I don't think she would get it...what would you say to her?"

Allie stated, "I am your daughter, Allison Min Joy Tate."

She stops and laughs then tells me her birth mom would not know that name, so Allie replaces it with her Chinese name, Tong Min-Min. This is also a name her birth mom would not recognize, but Allie continues her imaginary letter,

"Even though you did not keep me, I would still love you." Signed Allie

What a statement of faith.
Allie teaches me so much about my own faith. I believe that all kids have a deep sensitivity to God's Spirit, but God's grace has touched this kid's life and she knows it and has a heart of graditude.

Why did my mom not keep me?

It's hard to believe it's been 6 years since we were in China. Allie, is the oldest of the Tongling 12 and she turned 8 on September 20. Tomorrow, Sept 29, is the day that she was found. I think about her birth mom a lot this time of year.

We have had some interesting conversations about our family. One day Allie asked questions about her older siblings (age 31 and 27). She asked, "what is a step sister?" I explained that she and her older sister, Sarah, have the same dad but a different mom. Allie was quiet than asked, "Do I have a step-mom in China?" I replied, "No, you have a biological mom in China." We talked about how Jeff, our 11 year son, grew in my tummy; but Allie do not grow in my tummy.

Then she asked the kicker. . . "Why did my mom not keep me?" WOW

I paused and said, "I don't know...I believe that she loved you very much, but maybe she couldn't take care of you."

Then I told her story about another mom who loved her baby boy very much, but the government was trying to hurt the little boy. The mom, and the boy's bigger sister did what they could to protect the little guy, but the mom eventually let another family raise and care for her son, so that he was safe. That little boy was named Moses.

My husband does a lot of teasing in our family. One day, Allie teasingly called me, "My not real mom." I laughed at her and responded back, "yes, my real daughter!" She giggled and smiled.

She's beginning to grasp the concept of adoption.
Just interesting conversations that often leave me "pondering things in my heart!"

Celebrating Tong Min Min's Bday

We celebrate the birth of our second child, Tong Min Min, aka Allison Min-Joy Tate on September 20.

Records indicate that a "baby girl with black skin was found in a box with a blanket and dry milk" was found on September 29. She was taken to an orphanage in Tongling. She lived there until she was adopted on May 23, 2005. (Pictures: Min Min's playground at the orphanage; Chicks in China at the White Swan hotel, Deb Morse (my sister), me and Allie, Chelsea Mero (my brother's daughter))

Today Allie turns 7 years old and is a first grader. She has the sweetest smile, a giving heart and she is "stinking stubborn" (I think my dad used to describe me that way as well). She loves to laugh and tease people. She adores being tickled. You can tickle her for a hour and she still asks for more. Allie doesn't walk much these days, rather she moves from place to place doing cartwheels. Allie loves to sing and watch Avatar: The Last Airbender. Her favorite line is "and I believe that Ang can save the world!"

I am always humbled when Allie thanks God for her family. It's like she innately knows that having a family is not just a given, but truly a gift. She always lists us, mom, dad, Jeff and Jake and Joey (the dog and cat).

One day after listing us all, she said to me that she has a China momma. I affirmed that she was right. Then she asked, "Do I have a China daddy?" to which I also replied "yes." She was quiet for a moment and then asked, "Do I have a China brother?" I paused for a moment and said, "I don't know, you might." Then silliness set in and questions and list continued, "Do I have a China doggy? a China kitty?"

Allie's generous and thankful heart is gift our family. I can't imagine a day without one of her hugs or smiles.

Mother's Day

Mother’s day was special, full of hand written notes from the kids. In a quiet moment, I asked my daughter if she ever thought about her China momma.
She commented that she didn’t know what her China mom looked like.
Yes, you are right. We don’t know what she looked like, I replied.
She asked, do I have a China daddy? Yes, I replied.
Do I have a China brother? We don’t know if you had a China brother.
Why didn’t my China mom keep me?

With my heart breaking, I replied with the best answer I have. “I don’t know for sure why she didn’t keep you. Perhaps she did have any way to care for you, no food or money. But she got you to a safe place, an orphanage, where the nannies took care of you. . . That’s where I met you.”

“What’s an orphanage?” she asked. It’s a safe place where kids live when their mom or dad can’t take care of them.
“Did you pick me out?” she asked. No, I replied. We met with a lady who learned about our family and she “painted” a picture of what our family was like and the Chinese people thought you would fit best into our family. . . I think you fit perfectly into our family

Who's ever 6 loves more!

This is Allie during our last days in China (5/03). She is the fourth one in from the left. It is tradition for each travel group to get a photograph of their daughters on the red couch at the White Swan. As you can see from the photo this is an adult thing, not necessarily embraced by the kids.

Yesterday morning Allie came down at 6a and cuddled in my lap and began the "game," Who is 6 loves more, she says. "No" I reply, "whoever is 46 loves more, besides you're not 6 until Sunday."

Today is Allie's bday. She is soooo excited. We're celebrating her bday with Grandma & Grandpa, and a few friends. I cannot imagine not having her in our life. I cannot imagine life without her smiles, hugs, secrets, "pinky promises".

I cannot imagine what it must be like to not be able to provide the most basic things for your family. To not be able to provide food for your child, or medicine or a warm, safe place to sleep. I cannot imagine even thinking about giving a child away. My heart breaks when I think about Allie's "China Momma" who has never seen her smile or received one of her special "Allie's squeeze your guts out" hug. I pray peace for Allie's "China Momma."

Remembering Gotcha' Day

Allie referral Allie & nanny Allie & me

Remembering is an important part of the journey. Remembering key points and transitional moments. Some memories are painful, some are joyful, but all are a part of my story. Remembering how God intervened and acted on my behalf. The Bible is filled with verses that encourage us to don’t forget, remember.

Today is an important day in our family. We remember the day that I met Tong Min-Min, aka Allison Min-Joy.

Prior to gotcha’ day we had a couple of photos of Tong Min-Min. We didn’t know when the photos were taken or how old she was. I remember that they weren’t really beautiful pictures, but precious since they were the only visual image we had of our soon-to-be daughter.

May 24, 2004 the vans from Tongling that were bringing our daughters was scheduled to arrive at the hotel by 9:30 but didn’t get there until almost 11. So for a 1.5 hours 12 families waited around anxious, nervous, excited beyond belief. I remember it being very surreal, like I was watching someone else experience this day.

When I’m anxious I tend to be quiet and process things. I remember thinking, what if I didn’t recognize my daughter? Would she look like the referral photos or would she look different? How would she respond to me? I looked so different from the dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin of the Chinese. How would I know which child was mine? Surely I would know my own daughter?

Around 11 we got word that a Tongling van arrived. A couple of nannies came in with little girls. I remember look at them and then asking Deb (my sister) do you think that is her (Allie) or is she this one? We waited another agonizing half hour for the other van to arrive with the other children. All the while I’m asking Deb and Chelsea (my niece) if they thought this child or that child was Tong Min-Min.

I remember Ike pointing out Tong Min-Min and realizing that she was one of the first girls brought into the room. She was sitting on her nanny’s lap, wearing a red jacket. I remember feeling bad that I did not recognize her.

When it was time to formally meet Allie, I remember feeling pain as we literally pulled her from the arms of her nanny. The zipper on her red jacket was stuck and we struggled to get it off her. The more we worked to remove the jacket, the more Allie cried. I remember sweat dripping down my down. I just wanted to get the stupid jacket off and escape to the privacy of my hotel room. I wanted cut the jacket, but the nanny insisted no, she wanted the red jacket returned so she could use it at the orphanage.

I remember how Allie would hold her hand/arm (see above picture) when we was scared. Every once in a while I catch her doing that similar thing even today.

Gotcha' day as the best of times and the worst of times. Terror and joy together, but something I would never change.

A Mom's Gift

While you were a little baby in your mommy’s tummy she was always with you. When she went outside you were there; when she ate food, you were there. You were always together and the beat of her heart was comforting to you.

You and your mom were so close that her heart beat became your heart beat. Now there are two heart beats. Now whenever you hear your heart beat, you know that you are hearing the beat of my mom’s heart. That’s a gift only your mom can give.

My spiritual director mentor, Sister Joy, shared this story with a young child whose mother had passed away. I thought it was a beautiful way for me to talk with my daughter about her China birth mom. Allie's "gotcha day" is a couple of days away. Gotcha day is when I met and received our daughter into our family.

Being Allie's Mom

Since the seminar on adoption parenting, I’ve been paying closer attention to Allie’s comments. For example twice in the last week or so, she has asked me what would happen if I died? What would happen to her and Jeff?

When she initially asked this question, I simply attributed it to the fact that two close friends of mine have recently passed away. In fact even though Allie knows Kris and Randy have died she continues to faithfully pray for them at dinner. Initially I corrected her explaining she no longer needed to pray for them. So for a day or two she suspended her prayers, but quickly picked up on them again. I’ve decided to let her pray. Maybe in the innocence of a 5 year old, she knows something about prayer that I don’t.

I don’t think that Allie’s comments about dying are that unusual particularly in light of the recent deaths in our family’s circle. But I am more aware that issues of loss/grief/rejection/abandonment could also be lurking beneath the surface.

“Create a safe emotional place for your kids” was the best advice Cindy gave. If we talk openly and appropriately about Allie’s birth mom, her China Momma, she will know it is OK to talk about her.

Being Allie's Mom

Seven themes of adoption:
Loss Rejection Guilt/shame Grief Control Identity Intimacy

Research shows that regardless of how old your child was when you adopted, these 7 themes will emerge at some time.

My friend Cindy (Dr. Cindy Koenigsknecht) shared different approaches of parenting adopted kids. The information was so helpful and insightful into my own parenting journey of Allie. Conversations that I need to initiate with Allie so she knows she can talk about her “China Momma.”

I left the meeting with several concrete ways I can be more aware of Allie’s “triggers.” I feel like I can better respond in ways that will touch some of her core needs. That’s pretty impressive, coming from an introverted processer that needs at least 2 hours to 5 days to sort through information!

For more info about parenting an adopted child, check out "Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections." If you are interested in networking with other families who have adopted, let me know.

My Real Mommy is in China

This morning Allie got upset because her daddy didn’t say goodbye to her. He actually did however she quickly forgot his hug and kiss as he left the house. She was kinda sad, so I just reaffirmed to her that her daddy loved her very much! And so did her mommy and brother Jeff.

She then looks at me and says, “My real mommy is in China."

I briefly paused and then agreed, “You are right. You have a China mommy, but I am your real mommy now. Your China mommy loved you very much.”
. . Allie was eating breakfast. . . .
I continued, “Maybe your China mommy didn’t have enough food to give to you, or maybe she didn’t have a warm house or bed for you to sleep in. I think that your China mommy loved you very much and wanted you to have those things in your life.”

I walked around the breakfast bar and hugged Allie. A tear rolled down my check as I told her how lucky and blessed her daddy and I were to everyday get a hug and a smile from her. I told her that I loved her. . . and she quickly began to recite the words from one of our favorite books, “I love you best, I love you deep, I love you wide, I love you thissssssssssssssssssssss much!”

What an incredible little girl she is!