I've only felt this way a couple of times

There have only been a few days in my life that I have this feeling.
The feeling like I am saying goodbye to a huge part of my life, I’m sad, I'm a bit apprehensive, but I know that it’s good
I know that my life is about to change significantly.
My stomach feels weird.

I felt this way
. . . as I graduated from Grand Valley and drove away
. . . as I drove out of Detroit, leaving my corporate EDS job to go to seminary in Kentucky
. . . the morning I got married to Randy
. . . the day my OBGYN said “be at the hospital tonight” they induced labor and Jeff was born

. . . the surreal day that I met my daughter Allison Min-Joy for the first time, May 23, 2005
and now this past weekend.

This past weekend was my last time with my spiritual direction cohorts after being together for 2 years. These four women have taught me so much about being a woman of God, about being a daughter, a friend, a wife/mom and a pastor. Their own journey and unique struggles have pushed me further in my own relationships and with Jesus. Sometimes one of them would verbalize a doubt or fear that would totally resonate with me; other times they shared a new self-awareness that prompted me to look deeper into myself.

I will miss our monthly weekends together, which were more like mini-retreats. I will miss the community of learning, loving, listening to God and becoming who the Father has created each of us to uniquely become, but I trust the process. The process of transformation – a paschal mystery – which requires something to die in order for new life to grow.

This season of my life is over and a new season will emerge, with different companions, challenges and graces to learn. There’ll be new books to read just because I want to; new gardens to design and plant; new recipes to try, etc. While I am sad, I am well, because I believe that everything has the potential of drawing me deeper into my relationship with God.

Holy Spirit as a Flame

At the beginnning of each spiritual direction session I hold, I light a candle. For me the flame is a symbol of inviting the Spirit or more acknowledging that God’s Spirit is already present with us. It is the Spirit, who is here directing both me and the directee. It is Spirit who is our director.

This simple act of lighting a candle is a great reminder for me. It removes the pressure from me to “perform” and allows me to be a reed through which the Spirit flows.

"Sacred is the call,
awesome indeed the intrustment.
Tending the holy, tending the holy."