It was the best of times; it was the worst of times

Nah, not really. But I love the opening paragraph from a "Tale of Two Cities." I think most of life is like that, a paradox. We think things are either/or, when in reality, as least my own experience it is both/and. It is both the best and worst of times. My day is filled with consolation and desolation, good things and hard things. . . so I try to be conscious of those moments and engage them, not wish them away. I try to see God's movement along the way.

What was the best part of my day?
What was the worst part of my day?
Worst: computer crap at work. The internet was running sooooooooooo slow. It was so frustrating. But even more frustrating was the fact that I allowed it be frustrating and "control" my attitude. Yuck.

Best: fishing. After we ate dinner out on the deck, my husband needed to finish some work. It tears him a part to not spend that time with the kids and me, so I decided to “distract” the kids and we went fishing. Had a new $11 fishing pole, a box of worms – oh yea, no hooks! MORE FRUSTRATION, but this time I handled it a bit better and we ran up to the corner gas station and got the hooks we needed.

Earlier in the summer, I had taught Jeff how to put a worm on a hook. First you squeeze the worm apart and ONLY use a quarter of each night crawler. Then you put the worm on the hook like you are putting on a sock. We’re all set to go. Cast out the line, let the fish nibble on it. Allie catches a 6-7 inch catfish! Excitement, laughter, fear, more jumping up and down, whipping the poor fish around!

I’m thinking, “crap, how am I going to get the thing off the hook?” Is it a myth that catfish have stingers? So I get my garden gloves, use some pliers and yank out the hook. Gross. I enjoy almost all parts of fishing but taking it off the hook. When we tossed the fish back into the pond, it didn’t float to the top, so I’ll take that as a good sign. He’s alive!

Even in the midst of my “ordeal” in which I faced my fear of taking catfish off the line, we had fun. We smelt like worms and fish. Allie caught the biggest fish. We took pictures and made memories, and shared stories about when I was a little girl and went fishing with my dad. My dad will enjoy seeing our pictures and hearing the kids’ fishing stories.

Louella: A story of grace

About 15 years ago, my co-worker/friend, Len Wilson and I interviewed Louella Thompson. She was this beautiful, African American woman who had opened a soup kitchen out of her home. It was named “Feed the Hungry.”

When I asked Louella how this ministry came about, she said one day she heard “God said open your house, feed whoever comes in. Don’t ask questions, just feed them.”

I was younger than, just out of seminary – what I’m saying was I was arrogant and stupid!! – so I asked her, “How did you know it was God who said this to you?”

This gracious, Godly woman looked at me with her beautiful brown eyes. Then she turned to Len and asked, “Len, are you married?” which he replied “yes”. She then asked “when your wife calls on the phone, do you ask ‘who is this?’” “Of course not. I recognize her voice.”
Louella looked back towards me and said, “I know the voice of my Beloved.”

My encounter with Louella changed my life. Her simple but profound words set me on a quest to KNOW and recognize the voice of my Beloved. Thank you, Louella. Your deep love for Jesus has drawn me into her deeper relationship with Him as well. That’s what being in community does.

New books

Even though it will be tough getting back into the swing of school, my spiritual direction class and schedule, as well as the kids’ fall schedule, I love getting my new books for class. I love to touch my books, read the backs, look over the table of contents and agonize over . . . what do I read first? Obviously the required readings, but what about the recommended? Where do I start? No real answers, just excitement and anticipation of what lies ahead besides the hard work!!

Will & Spirit – Gerald G. May
“a profound discussion of good, evil, fear, love and energy. . . solid food for the mind and heart to savor slowly.”

Touching the holy – Robert J. Wicks
“ordinariness, self-esteem and friendship”

The Friend of the Bridegroom – Thomas H. Green S.J.
“spiritual direction and the encounter with Christ”

Faithful Listening: Discernment in Everyday Life – Joan Mueller
OHH I need this right now in my life

Tending the Holy: Spiritual Direction Across Traditions – Norvene Vest
I LOVE THIS TITLE – maybe I’ll read it next!

A Mystical Portrait of Jesus: New perspectives on John’s Gospel – Demetrius Dumm

Mother Teresa: Essential Writings - Jean Maalouf

Everything Starts from Prayer - Mother Teresa

. . . and I have more books coming

. . . my progress in living out my life in Christ will be in proportion to the surrender of my own self-love and of my own will and interests. Ignatius (Draw Me into Your Friendship: The Spiritual Exercises by David Fleming, page 145)

Some days are filled with my own self-love and interests. Sometimes I disguise those decisions within the context of “what is best for my family” but it really means what is best for me personally, what I want. “If mamma’s happy everyone is happy.”

Over the years there has been a significant transformation in my life regarding keeping “relationships a priority over tasks.” God has broken my heart and transformed it, particularly in my professional/ministry life. I think I’m moving into a new frontier – my home, my family.

While I have some healthy attitudes about our home life, I am a driven person. I seldom just sit and relax. One weekend after we recently moved into our third “new/different” home (in less than 24 months), I was frustrated because I wasn’t getting everything done that I wanted. I wrote up my TO DO list and had enough good sense to realize I had written down at least 80 hours of work. Two and a half months later and an empty bottle of Aleve, I’m still marking things off that list.

I’m not out to “beat” myself up and who I am; however, I sense – I know – that there are some life style changes that would create a more relaxed environment for my family. There are some things that don’t matter – ugly wallpaper; stacked boxes; a hole in the wall; weedy flower beds, etc. I embarrassed to say that I fill my home time with so many “chores” that I am exhausted and tired with my kids and husband. YUCK – don’t you hate those glimpses into the mirror of self reflection. However awareness is the first step in making changes.

Soooo. . . . last evening in an effort to be more present with my kids and their two cousins, I squirted them with the hose and we tossed eggs! It was fun! This morning we’re having homemade cinnamon rolls and fruit!

Spirit help me to at every point of my day, in every choice that I face to choose relationships over tasks!