Holy Spirit as a Flame

At the beginnning of each spiritual direction session I hold, I light a candle. For me the flame is a symbol of inviting the Spirit or more acknowledging that God’s Spirit is already present with us. It is the Spirit, who is here directing both me and the directee. It is Spirit who is our director.

This simple act of lighting a candle is a great reminder for me. It removes the pressure from me to “perform” and allows me to be a reed through which the Spirit flows.

"Sacred is the call,
awesome indeed the intrustment.
Tending the holy, tending the holy."

New Kids Studio Coming this Fall

This Fall wwKiD’s will introduce a new experience studio designed for young kids, ages 3-6 years old. This new studio, saturated in the Montessori philosophy, will reflect Westwinds’ core beliefs, iPAC.

imagination – we believe that kids use their personal experiences and imagination to connect with God.
Permission – we believe that kids encounter God in unique ways and we "give" permission to God to work uniquely in our kids’ hearts.
Authenticity – we believe that kids have real, authentic encounters with God and develop personal relationships with Him.
Community – we believe that kids communities are built as they learn to respect each other and learn to hear God’s voice.

I believe that not only will our kids grow and flourish within this Montessori, self-discovery environment,but all who lead and work along side the kids will also be transformed.

If you are interested in learning more about this new studio, please contact me. NOW may be the time for you to get involved in KiD’s.

Silence and Solitude

"If we wish to follow Jesus, we need to follow him first and foremost into the desert. There is no way that you and I today can enter into the spirit of Jesus' Way without creating some space in ours lives for silence and solitude." Jesus Today: Albert Nolan

Over a year ago someone asked me, "Does everyone have to be silent or is it just for some types of personalities?" I was hesistant to give a direct answer (a common occurence for individuals who are practicing spiritual direction).

Silence and solitude help individuals create space for God.

Often we think we've created space for God by attending church, being part of a small group, serving in Kids ministry, reading our Bible, and the list will go on and on. That's "doing."

Creating space for God is about "being." The word contemplative means to enter in, to be present in the moment. Some of the most influencial people in my life demonstrated living in the present. Whenever I was with them, I was the "center" of their world/attention. I think these women and men understood how to be present, how to "be" with God and therefore could be present with others.

The author Albert Nolan is full of grace. He does not have a 10-step action plan to be silent, but he encourages you to begin the journey of silence. Each journey looks different. My own journey looks different today with a husband and 2 kids, compared to when I was single. I have seasons with this season that look different from other times.

Begin to enter into the presence of God.
Be still, be silent but most of all be patient with yourself.
"Your desire to please God, pleases God." - Thomas Merton

Holy Spirit leads the Wayless Way

The inner work of personal transformation is like a creative work of art rather than like the planned step-by-step journey along a mapped-out road. There is no path that is forever fixed, as some spiritual writers seem to imply.

It is rather, what Meister Eckhard calls a "Wayless Way."

Jesus Today: A Spirituality of Radical Freedom, by Albert Nolan

Ignatius' Rules of Discernment

The purpose of Ignatius’ rules of discernment is simple. “Perceive in order to understand in order to take appropriate action.” It is a simple process that once understood, embraced and practiced I believe becomes second nature, a natural way to process information and live life.

Awareness of these movements is just the first step. Then one must understand and put them into perspective and act accordingly. Sometimes it may take a long period of time to become aware of certain things, a pattern of behavior, or a particular attitude. Sometimes the understanding of what has been noticed may take minutes or months. And likewise the final step of taking appropriate action may occur a single time or numerous times over a course of a life time. There is no time frame attached to the discernment process.

For instance, one Sunday as I prepared for church to begin, there were numerous things that irritated me – this wasn’t done, someone left a mess, this person wouldn’t work with this person, etc. None of these irritations were new, they existed prior to this particular morning. So what was going on? Normally I love and anticipate Sunday mornings; however with some reflection I realized I was tired. Not the exhausted, I couldn’t get out of bed this morning tired, but rather I haven’t had a day off in numerous weeks. Yes, I technically had Friday and Saturday off, but I spent 6 hours in class on Friday and 8 hours on Saturday. I guess that wasn’t really a day off. Obviously leaving work at that time and taking off a day was not going to happen. However with this new insight and a deeper understanding of myself I was able to put my negative thoughts on hold. I was also able to look at my calendar and schedule a day off when I could rest, emotionally, physically and mentally. This particular discernment process was very quick. It occurred within 30-45 minutes.

What could have been a negative experience, became a positive one, as I was aware of the Spirit's leading in my life. It drew me towards God and became a gift.

Spirit promptings

Repetition is one of the ways the Spirit prompts me. Usually it’s the same or similar message/theme coming at me through various often unrelated sources and people. Follow me.

Co-worker: Made the comment that he had several friends who had tried centering prayer and just got nothing from it.

Cohort in practicum: I went to a centering prayer seminar. I’ve been having 2, 20-minutes times of centering prayer a day since that seminar. She commented, “at the time I am being silence, I don’t feel like anything happens. But I have seen a difference in other ways.” (She did not explain what she meant)

Sister Virginia - spiritual director at my silent retreat: Even though Mother Teresa was dry in her prayers (for 50 years) she continued faithfully to pray. She could have rationalized away her prayer time, saying I don’t feel God or I don’t meet God through my quiet prayer, but rather on the streets and through the people. Instead she faithfully prayed.

Mother Teresa: I always begin my prayer in silence, for it is in the silence of the heart that God speaks. God is a friend of silence – we need to listen to God because it’s not what we say but what He says to us and through us that matters. . . Prayer makes the heart large enough until it can contain God’s gift of Himself. Ask and seek, and your heart will grow big enough to receive Him and keep Him as your own.

Anthony deMello: “Is there anything I can do to make myself enlightened?” As little as you can do to make the sun rise in the morning. “Then of what use are the spiritual exercises you prescribe?” To make sure you are not asleep when the sun begins to rise.

I am being challenged to be more faithful in my prayer. Even when it’s a struggle to sit in silence and it’s a struggle to clear the conversations in my head, and it’s a struggle for my body to be still. Whatever the cost of the struggle I know that it makes a difference in my life even if I am not aware of how.

It’s the mystery. It’s the process of how I can connect personally to God the Father, Jesus the Son and the Holy Spirit. I may not understand it, but I believe it.

Moments from Silent Retreat

I'm not bored - I'm not restless
I'm wandering

with God.

We're hanging out & that's enough

He's present & so am I

We're not saying a lot
just enjoying each other.

It is well . . .

with my soul.

You

I need YOU;

to be me.

Without YOU;

I can never be

my

True Self.

Silent thoughts

the following is a prayer from my silent retreat '09

In some ways I feel restless and bored, kinda un-focused.
I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that.
Does that happen when you "wait around" for God?
What do I do while I wait around?
Typically I am working, being a wife and mom, cooking, cleaning & studying
What do I do when those roles & responsibilities are set aside?
take walks, take a bubble bath, draw pictures, take a nap or several!, try yoga,
sit with a cup of coffe, go to bed early, dream, rest. . . ponder. . .BE

Be still and know that I am God
Be still and know that I am
Be still and know
Be still
BE

Spiritual Disciplines

Is there anything I can do to make myself enlightened?
As little as you can do to make the sun rise in the morning.

Then of what use are the spiritual exercises you prescribe?
To make sure you are not asleep when the sun begins to rise.

Anthony de Mello - Jesuit from Poona, India

It is well with my soul

I am thankful that life does not hand us just happiness or sorrow. That in the midst of sorrow there is JOY, it is not either/or. I am finding greater joy in my family and friends.

I am playing PS3 with Jeff and getting my butt whipped in NCAA basketball, but we are having fun! Jeff, the little turkey put my team in historical jerseys, so they had those dorky, short,shorts. I told Jeff that was humiliating to my team and they could not play to their fullest potential dressed like that and I made Jeff change my teams’ uniform! My team still lost, but it was fun. I definitely found where my son gets his competitive nature – ME!

Allie (a.k.a. Allison Min-Joy) and I play a silly “name the animal” game. We give each other clues to an animal and then we guess what animal it is. Her favorite animal to describe has 4 legs, brown and it flies. This particular day, Allie said gave this description but said the animal had polka dots on it and then she added “they pull Santa’s sleigh” but I didn’t hear that last clue and guessed “lady bugs.” She burst out laughing saying lady bugs don’t pull Santa’s sleigh. Imagine lady bugs pulling Santa’s sleigh and we laughed and laughed!

My friends Jen & Kevin are waiting for the birth of her first child, a daughter named Sophie. I have never met someone who is so excited about life in general and about becoming a mother. Jen’s joy is contagious!

Joy exists side by side with grief. While grieving is necessary and important I must hold it in balance because grief is NOT despair. I name my grief, own it, live with it and integrate it into my life. I carry both the sorrow and joy, it forms me, BUT grief does not define who I am.

PS - I pre-dated this blog. I'm still in silence at my retreat! Shhhh please

A Retreat of Silence: What do I want from Jesus?

I am preparing to go on my third Silent Retreat – a 72 hour period of silence. While you can do anything you want on the retreat because it is your retreat, it is recommended that you do not bring electronics, computers, books to read, etc. Simply your Bible and a journal. I think I will take The Message and my NIV Bible, my journal, my Lent reading (maybe) and a book on Mother Teresa. I’ve found that on Sunday, I’ve wanted to read a bit.

On Thursday evening the retreat will begin with a large group. Each of us will be given the opportunity to share with the community, What do I want from Jesus this weekend? That is such a great question. Dave just talked about that in Fusion the other week. That question has made me uncomfortable as well, because it seems like Jesus is being dumb. Asking a blind man, “what do you want me to do for you?” But there is such wisdom in that question. Jesus wants to meet our deepest needs and our deepest needs are not usually the most obvious ones.

What do I want from Jesus this weekend? I think it is something about grief and sorrow. I want to accept this season of my life – the grief and sorrow – as gift. I want to sit with Jesus and be with him. He knew grief and sorrow and has something to share with me.

This retreat center has 100 acres with trails. I think I’m going to do a lot of walking, take some photos and listen to the silence of the woods.

Grieving III:

Grief manifest itself in various ways. I am tired, I am kinda unmotivated and not creative. Even my family meals are boring! I can’t figure out what to cook! I am soooo looking forward to spring.

I am ready for the winter/death season to be over and I long for spring and new life. Every time I hear a bird sing I know that spring and new life are coming. I can’t wait to see the first blub peep through the ground. Every extra minute I have I’m looking at my gardening magazines, not really reading, just looking at the beauty of the garden creations.

I expect that Easter will be particularly meaningful this year.

I ate my Feelings:

I really try to embrace my feelings – of sorrow, joy, anxiety, comparing myself, etc. – but I still find times that I just mindless try to numb myself by over indulging with the “Christian approved” substance of choice – FOOD. I ate 6 big cookies yesterday. Feel crappy. Put the remaining ones down the garbage disposal.

“We are all just beginners on this journey.” Thomas Merton
Yep, I’m not where I used to be but still have much further to travel.

Ignatius' Spirituality

St. Ignatius’ rules are a guide to help grow in self-awareness. As my fundamental orientation becomes more deeply rooted in God, I continue to experience interior movements. These movements touch deeper areas in my being and they lead me to a greater understanding of God’s ways and a clearer knowledge of myself.

The journey to become my “true-self” is custom designed and continuous. Some parts of the journey take 5 to 45 minutes; some parts of the journey take a year or a decade; and some parts of the journey are on-going, never ending.

Grief - II

I know and believe all the right stuff, I have all the hope and confidence in our future with Jesus Christ. . . but I miss Kris.

Her smile, her shuffled feet that I immediately recognized as she walked down the office hallway, her encouragement and joy. The way she touched my kids' lives, bringing pizza and ice cream for dinner and playing Wii games with us. For tucking my kids into bed and doing her famous, "X marks the spot, dot dot dot, comma, comma, comma, question mark. . . "

Grief comes in different ways and at different times. The day of Kris' memorial service I came home and cooked and cleaned for five hours. I have been tired and sad.

My spiritual director asked if I had taken some time off to grieve. If I thought it would help, I would, but it seems that my grief just oozes out at different parts of my day. So I haven't set aside a time to grieve. I just get up early in the morning and cry.

As these moments of grief come I need to embrace it and not ignore the feelings.

I miss my friend, Kris.
I miss both of my friends, Randy and Kris.

Grief

I'm tired.
I think I'm tired because I am sad.
I am sad because I lost another friend to cancer -
Cancer SUCKS

I called my parents
and setup a lunch date with them for next week.
My parents are old, very old and tired.

I'm tired and I'm grieving.

Traveling Further Inward and Upward

On February 18, 2009 my friend Kris joined my other friend, Randy on the journey - further inward and upward into the presence of Jesus.

Her passing has prompted several conversations with my kids about death and heaven. I described heaven as living with HD TV, it's a new dimension, a new reality, where Kris is constantly in the presence of Jesus. Then the kids and talked about what birds might be there in heaven, cause I'm sure that there will be birds.

Presence: Kris was always present with whomever she was with.

Service: Although Kris battled her cancer for 9 years, she continued to serve others. For over 2 years, she faithfully came to the church office to work with me. She listened to my ideas, gave me feedback, she encouraged her, she sent out hundreds of thank you notes and cards to WWKids volunteers. Kris volunteered at hospice, which I found every interesting.

Humor: Kris had a great sense of humor. She always joked about her "chemo brain" or she would let me know when she was getting a dose of steriods so that I could have lots for her to do, because she could go 2-3 days without sleep when she was on steriods.

There was a woman at church who helped clean each week, but I could not remember her name. So each week we made Kris ask the lady her name, because Kris would blame it on her chemo brian!

She often was taking her chemo treatment "on the go". They hooked her up to her bag and she just went about doing life when dangerous chemicals were being pumped into her body. The one day she called me and said she'd be late for work, cause she chemo bag broke and split in the store and she needed to take care of it!

Attitude: Whenever someone asked Kris "how are you doing" she responded, "Thankful for another day of life," and she was!

Having Kris be a part of my life has changed me. I miss her. . .a lot.

Just Family Stuff

Yesterday afternoon we saw the kids' production of "Nate the Great," at Michigan State. Jeff has been reading these books for a couple of years. At the play he leaned over to tell Allie that he would read her one of his books.

Allie sat still and was very focused. Not sure that she understood some of the jokes and stuff, but she loved the dancing and singing. I could see her acting - the drama queen that she is. Seriously she has these songs she sings. If we had a pentocostal background, I'd say that she was speaking in tongues. It may be a mixture of Spanish, Chinese, and some female vocalist like Taylor Swift. The music is creative and the lyrics are pretty good theologically. She sings that "don't be afraid, God and Jesus are there. God loves Jesus and Jesus loves God. . . " Maybe it'll someday replace the age-old "Jesus Loves me" song.

Jeff and I have a student-led parent/teacher conference today. Asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell about BEFORE we went to his conference. He said no, it'll be good. He's a good kid. Then we are just hanging out at home til the evening. It'll be good to have some one-on-one time with just Jeff.