Walking into the Darkness

I was outside the other morning around 5 with the dog. Typically I stand in the front yard where there is a small light, but this particularly morning it was warm, the stars were out and it was incredibly clear. I walked into backyard. I consciously chose to walk into the darkness.

I walked cautiously towards the back pond aware that obstacles such as deer, skunks, animal doodoo, etc can be found my backyard. My sight adjusted to the darkness and I could see fairly well. I relied on my hearing more and also the dog’s hearing.

Initially I was uncomfortable, uneasy walking into the dark backyard, but as my senses adjusted to the new environment and I began to trust myself, I grew more confident being in the darkness – in my uncomfortableness. (Sounds like Psalms 23)

Our society tells us that we should not be uncomfortable. Something is wrong if you are uncomfortable, so self-medicate by eating, drinking, spending, or taking another pill, it’ll help you feel better. I am not against medication for depression, mental illness, etc. but sometimes we don’t want to feel anything uncomfortable.

I’ve been uncomfortable, uneasy these last couple of weeks. It’s taken me quite a while to become aware of what could be contributing to this particular season. Things like my class is coming to an end and I have very mixed emotions about it, plus a ton of work; another person at WW was diagnosised with cancer; another one’s cancer treatment didn’t get it all; my friends marriage is going through rough times; I miss my friends Kris and Randy; I have 2 big new initiatives happening in wwKiDs.

I think I’m in a transition period. I’ve been at WW almost 3 years and I’m finishing my DMin. Not knowing exactly what is “next” can cause anxiety, if I let it.

Being uncomfortable is not bad. For me once I figure out what I’m feeling – uncomfortable, uncertain, confused, sadness – I’m better able to “hold” those feelings. I find myself being more gentle with myself and giving myself some extra grace. In this special time of grace, I can listen to the Spirit and discern what’s next.

Mysteriously the uncomfortableness is no longer a place of anxiety, a place to leave but rather becomes a place of anticipation and hope as I trust the Spirit to continue to direct me. It’s part of my journey.